Thank you for all the posts, they really do help us a lot. It is very hard to describe how we are doing. We are managing to get thru the days, mostly because we don’t have the option to not! I feel like there is a large portion of my heart that has been taken abruptly and other than taking care of my wife and other kids, I feel numb. I cry multiple times throughout the day and often for no clear reason. Molly creeps in and out of my mind all the time. Sometimes I think about the last two months and how we were robbed of that time and other times I think about the talking to her and how I will never get to hear her sweet little voice again. The quiet times are hard as when we have things to do the dark thoughts mostly manage to stay away. Night time is absolutely the hardest though. We start to think how hard it must have been for our boisterous little girl to have been trapped in her body for the last 3 weeks and to top it off Mommy and Daddy weren’t talking to her or reading to her the way she was used to. It seems so cruel and unusual for a little girl who got so much joy out of life to have to go out that way. I feel immense guilt over the last 2 months or so of Molly’s life. I feel like I should have or could have done so much more for her if I had only known that the end was near. The problem was that each morning I woke up, I said to myself that this was going to be the day that Molly was going to start getting better. I never believed that she could be taken from us, not for one second and the Docs never prepared me at all. I feel like someone should have said something and then we would have been able to at least make her last little while here a little more comfortable.
Yesterday we went to the funeral home to see Molly for the last time. We took her favourite pretty pink tutu and her favourite brown boots as well as a few things the kids wanted her to have with her (pictures, cards and cross necklaces they made for her) The experience of seeing her like that (she looked like a cold wax figurine of someone who looked a little like Molly) was very difficult. Sadly the swelling she had over the last week really took its tole on her.
The sad fact is that Molly had beaten the Leukemia again and was 100% in remission sinse December with no trace of Cancer in her body. This all only compounds our intense anguish. How her lungs could have become so very sick without anyone noticing, still escapes us. It sounds like it will be a few weeks before we get any answers about why this happened and that has been especially tough for both Rebekah and I.
We are extremely thankful for all of the incredible support from our friends and neighbours here in Memphis. You could not have asked for a better surrogate community. Also we would like to thank the ICU team at St. Jude, for loving and caring for our beautiful daughter over the last month. Most of them never got to see Molly in all her glory and beauty but they treated her like the princess she truly was. We are preparing to bring Molly back home to Victoria and we will be forever grateful to our community back there for everything they have done to support us through this journey.
I read this in the funeral home and felt like Molly was telling it to me. She said in her sweet little voice, Daddy, I’m Free
Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free
I’m following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard him call
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day
to laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks undone must stay that way
I found that peace at close of day.
If my parting has left a void
then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
ah, yes, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life’s been full, I’ve savored much,
good friends, good times,
a loved one’s touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief,
don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and share with me
God wanted me now.
He set me free.
Heaven has gained a beautiful Angel but we will miss her every second of every day for the rest of our lives.
